Pig Roast 2023 Newsletter
The ONLY authorized Pig Roast newsletter.
Letter from the Editor in Chief
By CT
CT is the PR Newsletter EIC and Executive Editor, Pig Roast LLC (PR LLC) Founder and CEO, King of the Piglantis, 2022 Bacon Boss, Protector of the Realm, Proprietor of Pissbets.com (the only recognized betting partner of PR LLC)
Ah, another Pig Roast. The smell of freshly slaughtered pigs and never laundered banana hammocks. Gallons of spit, vomit, and what we hope is runny Elmer’s glue spewn across garages and back patios throughout the nation as competitors prepare for the event. As always, those kooks at PR LLC have cooked up some new wrinkles this year, including three new games, new and returning fan favorite Bonus Cards, and a new draft format. Before we get up into them guts of the new additions, everyone here at PR LLC HQ, the PROC and associated minions appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm this year and if all goes to plan, we’ll be expanding to the undersea continent of Zealand by 2024!
NEW GAMES
Pig Cricket
From the exotic suburbs of Virginia, comes an exciting newcomer to the PR roster. Pig Cricket amalgamates pong, flip cup, and batting & catching for a simulacrum of the world’s most popular and confusing game. Two teams square off, with a pitcher trying to strike out the batter in a one v one pong game, where the batter is equipped with a bat…handle! If the batter succeeds in making contact, the runners take off by flipping a cup - every successful flip scores a run! Can your pitcher rack up the backward Ks and murder birds like Randy Johnson?
Come to Oink Stadium and find out!
Rage Cage
Everyone plays in this rousing mix of quarters and other games! Can you bounce faster than the dude before you? If not, better buckle the fuck up and chug buddy! Get caught and grab another cup, but the higher your stack, the harder it is (hehe). Evildoers can team up to conspire against you or turn the tables by being good at the game!
NEW BONUS CARDS
It’s a secret. But trust me, there is new stuff. Might, uh, want to do a couple vocal warmups before pulling a BC let’s put it that way.
NEW DRAFT RULES
There will still be two teams, but there’s a wrinkle on how we draft. The Bacon Boss and Bacon Boss Baby will be the captains of the respective teams. But each captain is only drafting two players each before the lottery system takes over. Have a bad year previously and afraid of a low draft spot? We have a participation trophy for you with Draft Points! Based on your lottery selection, you start the game with starting IPs to assuage your ego for not being selected! It’s OK, I think Bill Gates was a fucking loser and he did alright didn’t he??? Read the rules for the full account or, y’know, be better?
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Get to Know a Bacon Boss:
International Edition
By: Jurgen Smerd, PR LLC Senior Reporter
As part of Pig Roast LLC’s commitment to spreading our cultural values around the universe, we’ve established outposts around the globe. For PR2023, we present an interview with the 2022 champion of Italy, Don Frederico NoDeliveri DiGiorno. The following has been condensed and edited for clarity.
JS: So Don DiGiorno, tell me what it’s been like to be a Bacon Boss? I believe you are known as Il Padrino del Bacon, yes?
DG: Yes, that is true. My people love me. The women especially have been very taken by my new powers. I am frequently drained sexually.
JS: Don DiGiorno, dig deeper on what you mean by ‘new powers’.
DG: Since I became Padrino, I am virile. Like a teen boy. Hard like I haven’t been for decades. Can drink a barrel of wine and piss so hard it cracks porcelain. [Ed. note: DiGiorno is 82 years old]
JS: Can we go back to when you said, “my people”? Can you explain what you meant there?
DG: People from all over follow me like rats after a rolling wheel of cheese. I shoo them away with brooms and power washers but (shrugs shoulders) no good. So I put them to work instead.
He snaps his fingers and two men appear out of nowhere. DiGiorno whispers something to the both of them and they disappear. He returns to the conversation.
DG: Business. You understand.
JS: You say you put people to work, are they being paid? As an official ambassador of Pig Roast LLC, I don’t know how this will sit with the shareholders. You know, having what clearly appears to be a cult.
DG: They are taken care of. Let’s put it that way. Everyone is very happy. Jesus has followers. Does he lead a cult?
JS:OK, no need to push further as Judy Gemstone is a personal friend of the board. What would you say your favorite event was from this years’ tournament?
DG: Act like a pig. I don’t know why Americans refuse to play but act like a pig is huge in Italy. You are close to the earth…it’s primal. Excites me.
JS: Looks like I am getting the wrap it up signal, or I hope that’s what your finger across your throat means. Congratulations on being Il Padrone and good luck next year.
DiGiorno nods before his followers confiscate all cameras and recording equipment. Thankfully an intrepid reporter keeps a running recorder in their rectum at all times. My team was escorted away and haven’t been heard from since. INTERPOL has been useless. I’ve contacted Ethan Hunt for assistance.
Pig Roast In Memoriam
Every year, PR LLC recognizes those who gave their lives to support PR LLC’s urgent mission.
Jurgen Smerd (presumed KIA)
Baloneyga Tonyga - PR1931 Champ
Aaron Meile
Annual Bacon Boss Check In
As we gain more Bacon Bosses every year, it is a Bacon Boss’s duty to keep in touch with the previous Bacon Boss. What follows is an unedited transcript from the current Bacon Boss (Chris Turo) and Tom Story, Bacon Boss from 2021 who has had to constantly defend his honor in the face of haters and losers.
CT: So Tom, what would you say have been the biggest challenges of being a Bacon Boss?
TS: I would say the biggest challenge of being bacon boss would eb the constant attacks during the time of my reign. All of the other competitors constantly downplaying my outright victory. The jealousy that each one of them showed me was truly telling during my year holding the crown.
CT: And how did that affect you, your family? Would you say that concentrated anger directly influenced anything like Von Miller's ligament integrity?
TS: LMAO! I would say it didn't affect my family as much as it personally affected me. People whom I considered my dearest friends showed me their true colors, being green...with envy. I feel like I'm good at compartmentalization of emotion, so keeping all the hate from them really drove me to be a better competitor for the next year's competition. Sadly that was a huge miscalculation as I ended up dead last in the most recent edition (Ed. note: that was PR 2022).
CT: And what advice would you give to a future Bacon Boss?
TS: The days are long but the year is short as #yourgrace (Ed. note: wtf I'm like 5'8" which is a perfectly normal height for a human male). Enjoy the victory for you will have entered a small circle of winners. The road to the throne is paved in blood. And trust no one.
Pig Roast 2023 FAQs
- Chris "CT" Turo - Bacon Boss '22
- Tom "OGBB" Story - Bacon Boss '21
- Matthew "Cookie" Witherell - Bacon Boss Baby '21, '22
- Beth "QP1" Carpenter
- Cassandra "Chappie" Turo
- Bimini "Plan B" Brown
- Sara "Sara" Westcott
- John "Bippis" Westcott
- Matt "The Hogfather" Morgan
- Brad "B-rad" Bailey - *new competitor*
- Draft order doesn't matter but you get bonus points if you are drafted via lottery. Technically the only important thing about the draft is you draft number as that is used for other things during the games.
- We'll tally all scores so don't sweat it if you are chosen last.
- Bonus Cards can drastically change the game and if BCs are not selected by choice, they will be forced if your score is 50% less than the lead. Meaning, if the current leader has 8 IPs and you are the first player for that round with 2 IPs, you MUST take a Bonus Card.
- Refer to the rules doc for all BC rules
- Your individual score matters even in Team Games so always try your best!
- We've intentionally adjusted the pace/tempo to wrap up the games earlier so we can enjoy the pig roast without it impacting the games.
- There are more prizes this year, including a new 'prize' which will be named after a certain competitor in perpetuity. Don't say you weren't warned!
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